


those flowers are bloodied, honey

by ziemniok



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Flowers, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:31:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22153474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ziemniok/pseuds/ziemniok
Summary: twenty four seven i hate myself for loving you
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	those flowers are bloodied, honey

Frank looked at his phone. Twenty unanswered calls, new texts appearing on his phone all the time. He closed his eyes and squeezed his phone so hard he felt pain in his hand. It was calming because he could focus on his hand instead of his lungs.  
His phone vibrated in his hands again.

_ Gerard: I'm sorry _

Frank dropped his phone.

▪  
He didn't knew when it started. Sometimes he thinks he does, sometimes he thinks it was when he first saw him playing a guitar and he though he never saw someone playing a guitar with such a grace. But sometimes when he goes back to old memories, he thinks it was from the start, he thinks it started the very first moment he saw him.

"Hi, your band was really great!"

"Thanks, we're trying our best. My name's Gerard, you probably couldn't catch it when everybody was screaming at the end"

"Haha yes, but it was rad. My name's Frank. Nice to meet you Gerard."

▪

Or maybe it was when Mikey called him and told him they need new guitarist and Frank said yes. He didn't knew why he did it but when he went into the basement they were practicing in and he saw Gerard's smile, he smiled too.

▪

And so they started playing, and Frank would never thought that his sudden decision would be the the best decision in his whole life. He hated himself for a long time but he felt kinda better when he was going on a stage and playing his heart out. He liked seeing everybody cheering for them, for him. He liked when people were buying their albums, he liked hearing strangers singing their songs. He liked writing songs, he liked when Gerard went to him and asked him what he thinks about the lyrics. He liked when they were all practicing together. He kinda liked it more when he was practicing only with Gerard.

▪

One thing he knows, is when it all started. When his lungs felt too small for something that was creating in them. When he felt like he couldn't breath cause something was stuck in his throat. When his eyes watered and his lips were bruised. When he coughed the first flower. Black lily with blood.

▪

_ "As one of the most popular floral choices for funerals, lilies represent the restored innocence of the soul of the departed. "_

▪

He coughed so many different colors and species that he lost count. Firstly, it was black lily, the night Gerard kissed him. The night Frank felt that he wants this moment to stay forever. And it was awful to look at him and see he doesnt't feel the same.

Sometimes the flowers were the new colors of Gerard's hair. White anemone for undying love. Yellow and red chrystanthemums for love and precious one.  
But sometimes it was just another flower with a meaning. Frank started learning all of them and hiding petals in his books. 

His books were smelling like lilies and roses.

▪

Frank hated himself because sometimes, sometimes he had hope. Sometimes he believed that Gerard could love him. Sometimes he looked at him and thought that he saw something but it was never true. He was just lying to himself and he knew it. 

Gerard had this thing when before a show he asked everybody how he looks and Frank always told him he looks good because it was the truth. It was always the truth and Frank hated him for that, hated him for looking so handsome and ever doubting it. He hated when Gerard was telling him he looks beautiful and he hated himself for playing those words in his head too much, trying to find a second meaning that didn't existed. 

Sometimes he thought that Gerard doesn't care for what they think. But he knew that it wasn't true. He knew it cause he was there when Gerard looked at food like something that could make him look ugly, he was there when Gerard looked into the mirror and said that he looks so awful. So when he asked him again ”How do I look, Frankie?” he answered ”Rad, Gee. As always.” 

It was the small things that told him he doesn't love him. It was when he was telling him about something and Gerard told him he will check it out but he never did. It was when he would kiss him and then act like it was just a friendly kiss. It was when they were hanging out and it was all good until Gerard started telling him about a girl he met. It was when only drunk Gerard told him he loves him and when it stopped once when he was sober. 

But he couldn’t bring himself to stop caring about him, to stop having hope that maybe, maybe someday he would look at him and see him in a different light. He hated himself for that. He hated himself that sometimes he saw a sparkle of hope.  
▪

”I think I'm gonna marry her.” Gerard said one day when they were writing new song.

Frank knew immediately who was he talking about. It was hard not to see Lindsey or hear about her all the time lately. It was hard to ignore the pain in his heart and lungs. It was hard to ignore yellow roses splattered with blood. 

”You two look good together, go for it man" Ray said, smiling at him. Gerard smiled back.

”Yeah. Ray is right.” Frank agreed and smiled, feeling new flowers blossoming in his lungs.

▪  
It was too much. His throat was sore from coughing and he had to lock himself in his hotel room because all his beddings had blood on it. He couldn't hide it.  
There wasn't any escape. Frank knew it. He was going to die.  
▪  
He hated himself the very first moment when he told him they have to talk but he knew he had to. He couldn't lie to him any longer, not when he was going to die.

Frank sat with him, opened his mouth and closed his eyes.

"I love you. I'm sorry.” Frank was really glad he closed his eyes because he heard Gerard sucking his breath and he didnt't even wanted to imagine the look on his face ” I really wish I wouldn't, I really wish I could delete those feelings but I cant. You...I never met somebody like you. You are the best person I know, you have such a great personality and I think you don't even realize how genuinely amazing you are. You are everything and I am nothing . Sometimes when I see you I can’t breath, sometimes I hate myself but I can’t take my eyes off you. And I know, I fucking know you dont feel the same, I fucking know, I’m not blind.” He opened his eyes ”I never cry but I cried because of you so many times I can’t even count, I cried wondering why am I not good enough, why I will never be good enough and what can I do for you to love me. And I can’t lie to you, I can’t see you with her and pretend that I’m fine, pretend that I'm happy. I know she makes you happy and even if I wish that it could be me instead I like to see you happy more, even if it means breaking my heart. ”

"Frankie..." Gerard’s eyes were focused on him. They were sad, they were truly sad. Frank wasn't prepared for them.

"Don’t...don't call me that, please." Frank felt tears in his eyes. "Everytime you call me that I hate it cause it sounds good. People rarely call me that nickname but when they do I hate it cause it reminds me about you." he exhaled. "You can't say anything. I gave you the whole truth. I surrender, I will give you only the truth from now. And I get it if you want to stop being my friend, cause you probably can’t look at me. "

Gerard shook his head.

" Frank, I...I'm sorry. I don't feel the same and I really wish I would knew the words that I could say but I don’t. I don't know what to say. I still want to be your friend if you want it too but I'll understand if it’s gonna be too much for you, if it hurts you too much. "

Frank looked at him for a long moment.

" There is also this one thing. I’m...I'm sick. I have Hanahaki disease. And I know you're gonna feel sorry for me but don't. It's not your fault. I was the one seeing you like I shouldn't".

Gerard opened his eyes in fear.

”Why you didn't went to a doctor? You can have surgery, Frank please, please, I don't want you to die. You can't die, please.”

Frank shooked his head.

”Do you know what that surgery does? It makes you forget the person. And I would rather die than forget you.”

▪  
_ Eglantine rose. A wound to heal _  
▪  
They found him few hours after his death. He hadn't had his phone with him, they later discovered he threw it into the water few weeks earlier. It was only a good thing that he was a famous person because this way people recorganized him. 

He was found with roses and lilies in his mouth and throat.  
▪  
_ Rainflower. Zephyrantes. I love you back, I must atone for my sins, I will never forget you _  
▪  
Gerard brought rainflowers to his funeral.


End file.
